He’s a new manager working through a merger. He may be friendly and approachable, but he’s got a lot on his plate.

He asked everyone to stay in their position. you applied for a new position. In his eyes, what kind of impression might you have made? Now he may still be friendly and approachable. More than likely, he saw it and said, “I don’t have time for this.”

If you want a change and need to do it through your manager, figure out what his problems are and if you can be helpful. If not, just do your job well. Then when the difficulties of the merger have balanced out, you may have space to ask again.

During a merger, things are complicated and messy. He has pressures that you may not be aware of. Advancing in your workplace often requires soft skills. They may seem mercurial and difficult, but it’s just a set of skills.

As for thicker skin, first feel what is happening. Don’t try to change it or wish it different. Gather data about how your emotional mind works and work with what it is and not what everyone says it should be.

i’m on the spectrum too and one of the things that life has taught me the hard way is not to take life advice from neurotypicals; it’s not that they’re wrong or malicious, it’s only that they don’t have a life that’s anything like yours so their advice usually doesn’t work or it’s not applicable.

neurodivergence requires you to build your own mechanisms for handling the shit life throws at you and it also guarantees that you’ll fail more often than not if you don’t get professionally trained help; what you’re feeling will keep happening until you do get that help.

put that healthcare you got to use.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you could ask for insight into why your application wasn’t considered. You can try to phrase it around making it a learning moment for you: Can you explain to me why my application wasn’t considered so that I can be better prepared the next time an opportunity arises? The person being asked the question will be less likely to see it was an attack and more of a humble question from a person who values their insight.

Your reading of that rejection is spot on! It was immature and unprofessional. You might ask yourself if you wish to remain in such an environment.

To your question; Consider the duck… Imagine the droplets of water on it’s back as troubles and difficult situations it’s carrying. Then watch as the droplets slip right off.

These situations are not reflections of you, they’re just situations in which you happen to be immersed.

Wish I could help. I can commiserate though. 10 years in the same position without a promotion. Can’t get the benefits I’ve built up elsewhere, feel trapped in a gilded cage.

You are more than your job though, and if other people are assholes, knowingly or not, that doesn’t reflect on your worth in any way. It only underscores the fact you don’t jive with those kind of people. I’d consider that an accolade of sorts.

Get enough sleep and take care of yourself.

Everything is easier after that.

“and feel offended if I want to concentrate on my duties instead of talking to them” this sounds like projection to me and its hard for me to shake that assessment… keeping to yourself is generally navigable and most people understand and accept others’ social orientation. are you maybe informed by a singular moment that you’re dwelling on? as for being ‘on the spectrum’ that means vastly different things from one point to the next and if it doesn’t complicate the advice people are willing to give to you, it could be a crutch you’re imbuing with more dependence than is necessary.

You want ceramic plates, not steel. Steel plates are cheap, but they can throw slag when hit. Not good for you or nearby friendlies.

I’m sorry about the soul-sucking coworkers and the outright rejection. It sounds painful and frustrating. Anyone in your position would be frustrated; it only makes sense!

We can look at your situation from two points of views, and each point of view will reveal things that can help you better deal with this situation.

The first point of view is the external one, the observable behavior, the one you’d notice if someone followed you and your coworkers/managers around with cameras. Looking at your situation from this point of view, it sounds like there could be a broad problem with your company’s management. If so, there might be very little that you can do directly. Depending on whether you want to take upon you a massive, perhaps Sisyphean task (pushing a massive boulder up an infinite mountain, with no end in sight), you could check out the management or Agile literature.

By learning what good management looks like, you could be in a better position to accept rough situations, in the same way that understanding how a cold develops could help us accept feeling drained of energy, coughing constantly, and having to self-isolate to avoid spreading the virus. It’s not a solution, but it gives perspective. Beyond acceptance, in the unlikely scenario that your company empowers you, you could propose effective changes or implement them. However, I would not count on this.

If you cannot change your company’s management, there are alternatives. Let’s go from the external point of view to the internal one, your point of view, the point of view that notices emotions, feelings, memories, action impulses, bodily sensations, interpretations, predictions, etc. From this point of view, we can see your frustration, your fear of being thin-skinned, your interpretation of potential rumination. In this other, internal, world of thoughts and emotions, we can’t do the same things that we do in the external world. We can’t get rid of thoughts. We can’t magically transform them.

Others have recommended simply brushing these experiences off, as if they don’t affect you. However, humans hurt where they care. Things that hurt you reveal where your values lie. If you hurt when you see injustice, then justice is a value you hold. If you hurt when you see brutal rejection, then inclusion and kindness are values you hold. It’s inevitable to feel pain when you value something. It’s human. And it explains why you’re hurt; something in you that you value was violated by this experience. A good question to discover what you value is “What would I have to not care about for this not to hurt?” Finding out your values helps you get motivated and gives you purpose, even when the going gets tough.

Still others have talked about changing the way you interpret the situation, including doing it by exposure therapy. This can be effective, as it fundamentally is changing the way that you relate to your thoughts and sensations. However, it’s important to do it with the right motivation. Otherwise, the exposure itself can backfire and reinforce the wrong schemas. What is the right motivation? Well, why would you find it valuable to continue in this job, despite its painful experiences? Maybe it brings stability to your life. Maybe it finances other projects of yours that you find valuable. It’s up to you to decide. If you do find it valuable, then you will be better equipped to push forward even when the going gets tough. I’m not saying this is the only path; again, it’s up to you.

Now, as to pragmatic things that you can do in this internal world, I’d argue that the single easiest, low-risk thing that you can do with the most positive impact is doing the Healthy Minds program or something like it. It will teach you to relate to your thoughts in a healthy way, as well as develop better ways of relating with other people and with your everyday actions, including your work. This will help you regardless of the path that you choose. If you’re willing to invest more to reap more rewards, you could consider therapy such as Acceptance or Commitment Therapy or Process-Based Therapy.

What I learned about people who seem kind at the first moment and manage to be liked pretty well, are mostly Narzisstic or egocentric people with lack of empathy. They might share empathy for a day to build a first impression but thats it. No real feelings involved.

Generally be cautious with such people and dont fall blind into thinking they are good people just because they make everything to have a good Ego. They are good at being liked and being well recieved, while they will always harm you in some way.