Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.
I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrates me that I made an incorrect interaction.
This doesn’t really occur with people I don’t know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with…my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.
I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken “triggers” of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.
You know the phrase, “think before you speak” right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?
Here are some examples of “off limits” speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:
Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)
Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early
Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a removed)
Coworker 3 also has repeatedly told me that I can come to them with issues, but they always get upset if I say something too negative. They seem to occasionally ask me trick questions too like “are you ok?” even though I know I’m not supposed to answer truthfully. I don’t understand this behavior or how to deal with it.
Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)
Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.
I mean, I guess the “easiest” solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. Coworker 4 essentially does this. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing. As a human (I think??), I am unfortunately a social creature. And it does get a bit frustrating that I can’t be authentically me.
Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!
It is significantly more acceptable to slow down and stop talking than a lot of people think
It’s also a lot less noticeable than it seems in your head when you pause. Taking that extra minute to edit a sentence in your head adds pauses that can also help to draw in people listening.
Be less negative, don’t talk behind people’s backs, leave coworker 4 alone
The smartest people I’ve ever met pause for at least five seconds before answering direct questions. Some for much longer. There’s a Supreme Court justice who I’m told pauses for like 25 seconds or more anytime she’s asked a question.
Learn to respect yourself and stop caring what others think. You’re there to work. Get shit done, quit wasting time worrying about other people’s feelings that are out of your control.
“Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)”
I am this person lol without knowing them at all I can say at least for this type of person I think the best thing to do is just be direct about work stuff, get to the point right away after the initial pleasantries of initiating the conversation. If they’re anything like me they might actually dislike conversation for similar reasons that you feel anxious. I just don’t have much to say other than strictly work related business and it stresses me out to be stuck in a “meaningless” conversation.
If coworker 1 really is “a bitch” then there isn’t all that much you can do, just treat her similar to coworker 4 and just accept that she might be judging you for stupid reasons. That’s more of a “her problem” than a you problem. As they say “you can’t make everyone like you.” but that doesn’t have to mean there’s anything “wrong” with you, some people just don’t mesh well.
Yeah with coworker 1 I try to interact minimally with. It works out ok. So I mostly talk to coworkers 2 and 3 but I still tuck up with them all the time.
Nah, coworker 4 isn’t anxious. She just wants us to work as quickly as possible so she can leave as quickly as possible. I don’t talk to her much either tbh. It can be a bit frustrating when she sometimes gets upset when I am chatting with a different coworker (because she wants me to shut up and not talk to anyone at all).
I always say that thinking before speaking is a bit like wiping before going number two.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have any friends.
Just don’t say anything I wouldn’t say. I wouldn’t care about leaving large gaps between subjects if you need to think beforehand, because it’ll take the focus away from the subject and onto “being in your own head”. If the pausing is after literally every sentence then it might be that the conversation just naturally isn’t going anywhere. (E.g. the other person doesn’t want to talk, there’s no conversational threads, no more information needs to be added, its just a statement that needs no reply.) But if its like this all the time everyday with everyone then maybe speak to a speech therapist (or someone who can help with speech impediments, or could get a referal from your doctor). Coworker 4 is an example of not letting they’re personal and professional lives intermix. I think that talking to your coworkers about your struggles all the time is emotionally draining even if you didn’t mean to, put yourself in their shoes, if someone would talk about their problems repeatedly to you, wouldn’t you get tired eventually? Not sure about coworker 3 asking “are you OK” because I don’t know their vibe from the post, it could be everything from: the standard “hello” “hi” interaction to “you seem like you want to talk” (but I lack context to understand if its a positive or negative vibe.)
No, I don’t currently pause between each sentence. Usually conversation flows quite smoothly. But it flows until I make a grave error and then it shuts down catastrophically. My question was saying “how can I think before I speak” because pausing after each sentence would be incredibly jarring and not work with conversational flow if that makes sense.
Coworker 3 has occasionally asked that out of genuine concern when I have been having a bad time. But it’s a trick question because I’m not supposed to respond that I am having a bad time. It is the incorrect response and will make them upset, even if they tell me that I can be honest. It’s very confusing because coworker 3 will occasionally tell me that it’s ok to come to them with things, but the reality is that isn’t true. If I do that, it makes them upset. So one of the biggest things is that I have worked to not tell coworker 3 when something is bothering me and not share feelings like this with them. But it is confusing when they do things that indicate that it’s ok and welcomed for me to do so when it isn’t. They say one thing but I am supposed to act in a way that is discordant with what they indicate, which is confusing.
And sometimes coworker 3 likes to discuss serious topics. So I sometimes accidentally say something about the topic with too much emotion in my voice or something or the wrong statement in general and then I fuck up the whole thing.
It could be the case that coworker 3 wants to help you, but is unable to, and that makes them feel really bad. And I think that talking about serious topics with too much emotion can be off-putting for a discussion. And can communicate the heightened level of emotion you’re displaying.
like most things, conversation skill is mainly not a conscious thing. any skill a human is reasonably good at is done mostly by unconscious parts of brain, under only loose direction from your conscious mind. most things happen too quickly for deliberate conscious reasoning, which is rather slow. you can’t expect to create a set of rules to run through in your head while you converse. it is more like training a neural net, or an llm or something. you give it feedback, like when you make someone angry, you tell it ‘don’t do that’ (ideally just in the form of feeling bad) and eventually it learns. but it takes time.
If I had the health insurance and/or the money, I wouldn’t ask pseudonymous internet randos, I would ask a psychologist/therapist/councilor.
I had my bouts where I tried a lot of therapy. Therapists weren’t overly helpful to me but were good at quickly draining my bank account. Many of them would say “oh there’s nothing wrong if you do XYZ in a social context” and I would try to explain why it is wrong, similar to how I’ve demonstrated to you guys.
You tried therapy and that’s good the problem is trying to find a GOOD therapist is very difficult.MOST of them shouldn’t be a therapist they can only regurgitate what they were told in class. They can’t think outside of the box and think critically.
I respect the fact that you are trying to find an answer to solve your problem.
You even gave examples of different coworker situations.
Sadly I don’t have an answer for you. The only thing I can say is don’t give up.
Maybe sit down with one of them one on one outside of work. Mention what happened earlier and that you noticed a serious change in their body language and apologize then say you want to do better. Then ask for their input on what you did wrong. Maybe they can help.
They just get upset with me if I do that unfortunately. I’m never supposed to talk to them about things when I make them upset.
Then it sounds like you work with assholes. If person a sits down with person b and says I’m sorry about what happened I want to do better. Please help me. Let’s talk about what I did wrong so I can improve myself. Only an asshole says no.
There is an obvious exception to that statement, if you are sitting there and yelling at them or being incredibly incredibly aggressive during the initial conversation. They might not be receptive right away. But if you come back, say the next day and apologize and say look, I wanna do better know I was in the wrong, but I need your help to improve. Can we talk so I can make sure I never do that again? A human being would say yes a good person will say yes let’s figure this out an asshole will say no.
It’s called compassion and sympathy. Sadly it’s also something that is sorely lacking in the United States and worldwide right now.
I guess here’s a question for you. Is this happening at multiple jobs or is it happening just at the current job?
