I’m letting people who hurt me in the past live rent free in my mind.
One episode involves a former landlord that tried to run me over in an intersection with no traffic cameras.
Another one involves a manager that fired me for informing that one of his favorites yelled during night shift and ignored alarms to talk. He fired me the next day, used the exit interview to tell me everything I didn’t do right (but kept quiet about his favorites, even though I did the job like them), still had the utmost confidence on his favorites, accused me of being lazy and instead of simply firing me and keeping neutral he chose to take it personal, proceeded to try to scare me insinuating I wouldn’t work for his system again, when that failed, tried to humiliate me and then fired me. This was in an non union hospital.
When I think about it I get angry. Id like not to be so thin skinned, but here I am.
I’m still learning how myself, but something that’s helped so far is repeatedly telling myself that the only way they can hurt me now is if I’m thinking about them.
It’s the only weapon people have left once they’re out of your life. If you keep being angry about something that’s long over, you’re giving them the power to keep hurting you, free of any effort on their part, and they don’t deserve that luxury.Honestly, it wasn’t a conscious decision, I just got tired of being angry. It’s exhausting.
That’s not to say I’ve forgiven any of them. Quite the opposite in fact: I’ve simply set a mental rule of “never accomodate them in any way” across the board so I don’t have to expend any more emotional energy on it.
All the people who are saying “therapy” are spot on. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, or that you weren’t wronged, or even that you shouldn’t be angry. You’ve had some upsetting shit happen to you that you’re having trouble processing.
Just getting a neutral third party who you trust (EXTREMELY IMPORTANT) to seriously listen to you and help you figure out how to break out of cycles that are distressing is a huge advantage that is hard to replicate by yourself. If you don’t click with the first one (or two or three) that you talk to, dump them until you find someone you like.
Don’t put it off and let it fester. The more time your brain spends being angry the better it gets at it. That’s not necessarily you being thin-skinned, that’s your brain doing what it thinks it needs to do to stay safe. If you aren’t careful it’s very easy to spiral into being bitter and irritable about everything.
Substance abuse. Can’t be upset about things you can’t remember.
This quote from Worf (ST:TNG). Admittedly I’m still working at it and by no means perfect, but it does help when thoughts like this from the past arise:
“Thinking about what you can’t control only wastes energy, and creates its own enemy.” - Lt. Worf
It’s simplistic and sounds easier than it is given such complicated topics. But on the surface, it does help me to remember why it’s ultimately not in my best interest to think about destructive/negative things.
The quote. “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
It’s like you’re doubling down on what happened. Either they didn’t know/care it hurt at the time or wanted to hurt you but now you’re using your energy to extend the hurt.
When you start getting angry about it acknowledge it but then do something positive for yourself.
Therapy. I bottle it up all week then let it loose and cry and shout for one hour on Thursday, and my therapist helps me think about it more deeply and see things more clearly. Idk how folks are out here raw dogging their mental health without a therapist.
Mine is my family. Not sure I will ever really be able to let go. It’s pretty hard to let go of how badly those who were supposed to care for and protect you failed because they were more concerned about how other Christian Fascists viewed them socially than they were about their actual fucking kids.
And like all Boomers, they refuse to take responsibility for anything. Saying to a six year old “you are just a lazy bastard just like your father” is something they conveniently don’t remember happening. Probably because for me it was a formative moment in my childhood and for them it was just another fucking Tuesday of yelling at their kids.
Depends on the transgression.
Most of the time I recognize what miserable pieces of shit they are and will sometimes point that out to them while laughing in their face. Other times I’ll laugh in their face and move on because I know we both know how much they suck. I do keep a shit list for the worst of them, though. The shit list is actionable and I do get very creative with it. But to be honest, I’m middle aged and there’s barely two people on that list. It’s not a priority.
Overall, my favorite thing to do is let them know they’re not hiding how terrible of a person they are. Best example was some dude and his wife came over to scream at me and I looked at his wife and said, “I’m so sorry you’re stuck with this guy. You clearly can do way better.” That shut him down so fast all he could do was walk away flustered. Get that ball rolling in dissolving that marriage. *I also had a boss blame me for something I didn’t do once and fire me. I dumped all his fuck ups on the HR exit interview and low and behold - he got canned a week later. I guess my answer is I get creative. Shrug.
I find that saying things out loud, even to just myself, can really help. I read something that tried to say you use a different part of your brain when you hear yourself vs only think inside your own head, and that it makes a difference. I don’t know if that is true, or backed by any evidence, but it works for me.
get angry. get revenge. people don’t learn lessons until there are consequences. stop being afraid of anger. it’s a motivator.
I’ve become so jaded with people in general I can’t be arsed bothering with what anyone but my wife and mother think of me, do to me or say to me.
(my dog and cat too tbh)
rent free
It’s pedantic, but I dislike this phrase a lot. It applies shame of all things to whatever motives someone might have to something. It’s one of those “it sounds good to people who aren’t going through those things, let’s use it on this person who is thinking about the time her kids were taken from her” kinds of things. I for one am analytical about all of my feelings, I don’t feel sentiments just for their own sake. Or I did, back before I had anhedonia (which might explain how I personally am doing with this issue, though ironically, some of the same people who used to say we should be more passive now say I don’t feel as much as I should). I’m not some willy-nilly revenge seeker, but I don’t know how someone could say I don’t have any reason to proceed with caution around those who I might envision as still being a potential neglector to me. Though I can attest many people like us find solace in making friends with the friends of the people who wronged said people, as it’s said to create a sanction-like effect.
My mom is stubborn and doesn’t forgive people who have wronged her, ever.
I just had a first-hand viewing of how difficult it made her life. She’s more lonely than she should be, because she doesn’t forgive or forget. It’s also exhausting, being that angry all the time.
Once it clicked, I realized how exhausted all that anger I was also holding onto made me as well. I just didn’t want to feel exhausted anymore.
I’m genuinely asking: What makes you not want to be angry at the people who hurt you?
