I am not in a great place right now in terms of productivity and flourishing in my personal and professional life, and every time I waste a day, every time I do something that I enjoy at the moment but which is not productive, I feel ashamed.
I live in a country, where students sometimes end their own lives for not being able to get into their dream college or for not passing the exam that would have allowed them a job in the government bureaucracy, I have always thought that they were not ending their lives because they didn’t pass the exams, but they are ending it because they have indulged in activities which are not conducive to their goal of passing the exam so many times that they have given up on themselves and every time they spend a lot of time doing stuff which they might like to do in the moment but would regret right after they do it, their respect for self decreases a little more and when they get the sad news that could not progress towards their goals, they have not only failed as an aspirant for an exam, they have also failed as a person (for now at least)
i.e., As Dostoevsky states in C&P, “Your worst sin is that you’ve destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing”, even though I might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing and if I do this enough times, I will just give up and sometimes some people will give up on all not just their goals because they hate themselves so much!
I don’t want to end up like them (even though I feel pity for them, too bad there isn’t an afterlife for them where they can be happy) , so I thought I would whip myself into a frenzy by reading a complication of suicide notes, this is for me an interesting task, but it also serves a purpose of warning me into things that I should not do! And to be completely honest, if I can derive some utility/meaning out of suicide notes, I mean the exact things that advertise the meaninglessness and the ugly side of life, that’s pretty inspirational to me, I mean, it’s like a metaphor for life, trying to life despite all the ugly stuff. So, to come back to the question,
Has there ever been a compilation of suicide notes, if so, where can one get it? And is it a good idea to get it?
PS: Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, if you haven’t noticed, I am not that articulate. Also, I am alright right now, I am good, but I don’t want to end up in a real bad situation, so I am looking for what I should I avoid.
edit 2: I like this community, but I don’t have enough time to respond to everyone, but know that I am grateful and know that I have heard you! :)
even though i might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing
I know this isnt what you’re asking for, but I have to wholeheartedly disagree with this (unless you’re talking about drugs, wanking all day long, or something like that). Creating joy in your life isnt a bad thing and has long term benefits. It helps to overcome burnout and extreme fatigue, it gives you something to live for, it allows you a place to find what matters to you. It can help you be MORE productive tomorrow by letting yourself rest today.
Taking some time away from a problem, from studying, or from work lets your brain work through problems subconsciously that you can’t grasp consciously.
It’s like sleep. Sure, you can’t be productive during sleep, but you still need it to survive and to take on the next day stronger.
Enjoying yourself isn’t wasteful.
I understand, thanks for differentiating between the ugly stuff (drugs, wanking off…) and the stuff we need.
PS: I am talking mainly about getting rid of Phone addiction, netflix addiction and stuff like that, so these are net negatives if you overdo it and if you can’t control yourself, which I can’t do most times, they become really addictive.
I don’t have an answer to your question, but suicide isn’t that simple.
Bad things can happen to people, and they would never consider suicide. Good things can happen to people, but they still commit suicide.
I don’t think people always know exactly why they’re suicidal. They might believe it’s because they didn’t get into the dream university or failing exams. It might be a triggering factor, but not the full story.
I don’t believe there’s a checklist of things to do and not to do. Why a person might end up in suicide is entirely personal.
+1.
You’ll get better stories from someone’s deathbed than from someone’s suicide note. At the end of their life what do they regret, what are they happy they did, what advice do they have to give.
I don’t expect suicide notes to be filled with “if only I studied harder, then I wouldn’t have to end it all”.
The only place I’ve seen where this sort of thing was published was on reddit, though I can’t seem to remember what subreddit it was. Maybe suicidewatch or unsentletters might have what you are looking for.
As someone who has been on the receiving end of multiple suicide notes, I do not advise this. Essentially, you’d be reading the notes of someone’s mind who decided to make a permanent solution to what really is a temporary phase/situation in their life. On top of that, no context behind the why and the trigger behind the decision (ie undiagnosed bipolar, and the words are coming out as someone who is experiencing a reeeeally bad episode).
There’s a lot to explore with what you expressed, and I totally get and can relate to shame and what some note as Shitty Life Syndrome (aka SLS); life sucks and you can’t get a break. If you wanna chat or just vent, I’m happy to lend my ears and even share my experience of dark days along with people in my life who have taken the suicide route (5 individuals total).
As for your request, I recently came across Campaign Against Living Miserable (CALM) and their YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@thecalmzonenet) has tons of videos on those who have survived, and stories/videos of those who have not. You might find some solace there.
That’s my quick two cents. Feel free to reach out if you wanna chat more or if there’s anything you feel I can share, as this is an area I’ve had more life experience that I’d like, for better or worse.
