Minutes 1-2: Grab a hoodie, my most comfortable walking shoes, my passports, and any extra cash. Turn on my shower, grab my cordless trimmer, set my phone on the sink, lock the bathroom door behind me. Lock the doors, leave through the garage. Grab my small adjustable wrench on the way out.
Minutes 3-5: my neighborhood lies along a set of railroad tracks that are heavily obscured by brush. Start walking. By the time they arrive at my house, I’m a good ways down the tracks and leaving my neighborhood.
Minutes 6-10: the agents have entered and found that I’m not in the shower. I’m further down the tracks and out of my neighborhood.
Minutes 11-30: I make my way to a friend’s house, mainly following the tracks. When I get there, tell them I have an emergency and can I borrow their car. The agents are searching.
Minutes 31-60: I start driving. I stop in a parking lot at a factory near my office. I look for a car that was backed into its spot and use my wrench to steal the license plate–shift change was two hours ago, so I have 6 hours before they notice. I put the other plate on my vehicle. The agents are interrogating my friend, but the border is only 1.5 hours away. I have family there.
Minutes 61-150: As I drive, I use my cordless trimmer to shave my hair and beard. About half way, I stop at a Walmart and pick up a burner phone. I dial my family as I drive. We make a plan.
Minutes 151-180: I park at Sam’s Club. My parents are already on their way back to the car with some groceries. I meet them at their car and get in the back seat. As we pull away, I crouch down and climb into the trunk. We head for the border.
Minutes 181-200: we arrive at customs, but my parents have a fast pass. They cross the border casually all the time. They don’t check the trunk. We’re waved through.
Minutes 200-525600: I contact my home country’s law enforcement. They put me in the witness protection program. I have a new identity and life. The agents search in vain.
Minutes 525601-20000000: I’m content in my new life. I work, I pursue simple hobbies, I avoid social media. Eventually age catches up with me and I decide to move into an assisted living facility. My mind isn’t as sharp as it once was. One of the workers in the cafeteria asks my name, and I give a name I haven’t heard in 40 years. The cafeteria worker raises their serving spoon. It’s not a spoon, it’s a gun. They’re the agent.
Excellent. Loved it
Grab my always packed camping pack and rifle case + ammunition, get in car, drive to airport, call 911 on the way and inform them that armed individuals are breaking into my house providing the address and hang up immediately, park car at airport parking lot and pay with card, take taxi back into city with cash, get bus ticket with cash which takes me out to the woods/mountains, camp there until I can’t.
It would also be wise to immediately book a one way ticket to anywhere on the way to the airport and then not use it.
Even if they have access to my payment details, the last things they would see are parking for the airport and buying a plane ticket.
They would need access to the airports CCTV to determine that I did not actually board the flight.
If they had access to this, and were able to get access to the city CCTV as well, the best they could possibly determine after many hours or days is that I was last seen taking a bus west.
It might be better not to buy a ticket at all. Finding out that you didn’t board a plane gives them more information about your whereabouts than not being able to determine if you got on a plane with fake ID under a different name.
Valid point, good thinking.
My house is built on an old vertical mineshaft. I’d take the secret elevator to the bunker 300 feet below ground where my command center is. Then I’d take control of the gun emplacements hidden in the trees and the fleet of AI enhanced drones. When the agents are eliminated, the robotic dogs will drag the bodies to the incinerator shaft.
Or maybe not. You didn’t think I’d really tell you what awaits you Agent CraigOhMyEggo, did you?
How would the foreignness of the agents be relevant? And why ask that when I’m a thousand times more likely to be hunted down by domestic agents?
Under the bed
If I had one, inside the septic tank with a snorkel.
Just as a cautionary warning, but the gases in there could kill you
And if they don’t, you’ll wish they had.
Lamp shade, sheets, done.
Into the forest/mountain that is literally right outside my house. Harsh terrain that foreign agents won’t be able to traverse easily without local knowledge. With a five minute head start they’d have no way of finding me without dogs and helicopters. And even they would have difficulty navigating the terrain and local weather conditions.
I would get one of those cheap masks. The one with glasses, plastic nose, and the fake mustache.
No one is going to find me.
Can I trust my friends, my work, my family? And these agents can’t be everywhere at once? Then I put on running gear, sunglasses, hair in a ponytail, jog like I’m just white lady exercising, to the house of my family member and ask for help, get a car borrowed from their neighbor and get on the train north to where I have more family, hoping I can stay one step ahead until I figure out what the heck is going on and handle it somehow.
In the woods behind my house. Thick enough to give pause to most
Probably wherever there are domestic agents.
Depends on if they’re going to abduct me or just shoot me.
I’d make a quick walk to the corner store. If I’m finally gonna die, I’m gonna have one last drink first.
“I’m going to hide behind the settee, yeti spaghetti!”
