Can we then give it a tongue so I can be sure I’m clean?

“Stop shitting on your hand and throw it out the window! Use me instead!”

Would it lick me clean or would I still have to wipe myself?

I don’t think it matters. After a few weeks it would just be some annoying background noise you ignore anyway.

Yes.

I always think about opening up this guys head and pooping in it.

I’m willing to bet that some techbro either already has, or will in the near future propose an Ai toilet that will do something exactly this.