21M, my life right now is such a mess.
My childhood feels deficient in some things, I really want to move out, my life is spread over multiple countries and I can’t decide how to fit each into my future, I’m struggling & demotivated at university, and I’ve had no success dating and just can’t figure out why.
I have a long term plan to get myself out of this but I’m afraid that the plan may prioritize the wrong things or be naively ambitious or specific. I’m AuDHD and seeing as it was my thinking that got me into this mess, my plan to fix it is probably riddled with the same mistakes. Which would mean I’d stay stuck where I am.
What would really help me is to consult my plan with a wise person who has watched many people’s life trajectories and who would be able to advise me on what parts of my plan are naive or likely to fail. Since I am AuDHD, I also need someone who will alert me to the sorts of narrow-minded ways of thinking that got me to where I am, because I am obviously blind to these. Or maybe the problem is that I think too much altogether. I can ask for individual pieces of advice on Lemmy but I’m looking for someone who would look at my life in a more holistic way.
What sort of person would be able to help me? I have tried coaching but coaches seem to focus more on CBT and have lacked the wisdom that I am looking for here.
Therapy (with an MFT or PhD therapist) and a gym membership can do amazing things for you at 21.
No single person will have all the answers. You may find a Yoda to help with your career, but they probably won’t have the life answers you’re interested in. That’s what your 20s are about: figuring yourself out and putting yourself together.
My 20s were about figuring myself out. My 30s were about figuring the system (economy, etc) out. Now I’m in my 40s, I understand the system, and don’t like it.
Ah, I like the way you summarise this by the decades. It makes sense
I don’t want to comment on Cock and Ball Torture but I will say that eccentric people will help you see life in a much wider window than before.
Lmao true
I’m struggling & demotivated at university
Of all the stuff you’ve mentioned, this is the one with a price tag attached to it (unless you’re in one of those cool countries that actually takes care of its people), so I’d make top priority getting the school shit figured out first, whether it’s restructuring your study schedule, reducing your course load, or even dropping out to come back later when the other shit calms down a bit – what you DON’T want to do is just stay in classes you’re not passing, or you’ll wrack up an enormous bill (again, depending on country).
That said, your school might have the resources you need - some offer mental health services to students… whether its the specific flavor of mental health that you need I guess’ll depend on their staff, but it’s worth looking into at the very least. I’d make an appointment with your academic adviser and see if they can point you in the right direction.
You’re not gonna like this:
Stick with the cbt. If every professional you go to puts you on it then they all see that you’re lacking what sometimes get referred to as basic life skills or coping skills. It’s okay if that’s the case, that’s why cbt exists.
It won’t help you understand your life, but it will help you change the ways you’re fucking up and that will give you the opportunity to gain understanding by lowering your stress level and improving your chances of making it through college, which would make things easier if you did.
Don’t worry about dating. Its fucked everywhere and the only good dating advice is get an emotional outlet, a therapist and work at a bar.
It used to be when people wanted wisdom they’d ask their grandparents or equivalent. Just a thought.
Just to clarify, basic skills do not equate to common skills. Everyone goes through stages and situations in life that they are not mentally equipped to handle. Incidentally, situations like that is a good pivot point for acquiring said skills. Also CBT helps you doing this, even though it is a little boring.
Yeah it sucks that the words for that stuff have a value assessment baked into them.
Sounds like you are looking for a mentor, “life coach”, or even a therapist. Life coaches are unregulated and ill defined. The kind you would want are not likely to be looking for such a young client. Is there an older family member you can talk to (not parent or sibling)?
Talking through things can bring clarity, even if the person you are talking to has no advice.
Taking mushrooms helped me work through something similar, and all I was trying to do was get fucked up. It’s not for everyone, but it works for more people than you would expect.
