I’ll offer a near miss.

Chat amongst colleagues over a coffee, the topic was something very normal and mundane: how lazy are we about cooking.

My colleague Carol said, “sometimes I just throw some chicken nuggets in the toaster because I don’t care or have the energy”

My response I intercepted between the brain and mouth: “living the bachelor lifestyle, carol?”

Carol’s husband had died quite suddenly 6 months prior. I didn’t fuck up, but I almost did and it haunts me still over a decade later.

Saying goodbye to the bereaved at the end of the funeral.

“Thank you, I had a lovely time”

Not me, but a friend. We were at an LGBTQ+ friendly ice cream shop in Seattle trying to figure out what to order, so he’s trying samples. Out of nowhere he says “man, this ice cream is so good! It’s like you have a bunch of fairies working back there” and he clueless licks the spoon as most of the room stares at him in disbelief “or elves or something! Something magical at least. Can I try the lavender?”

A few weeks before graduating university, I was talking to a wheelchair bound classmate about finals and graduation. Some people don’t attend graduation and those that do call it “walking” as in walking across the stage to get your degree cert. anyway I asked him if he was “walking” at graduation. I immediately knew I had fucked up. He just laughed it off and said yes, he’d be rolling.

It wasn’t as bad as some - no one was offended AFAIK - but recently a friend’s wife asked if I was close with my in-laws. I had recently moved geographically much closer to them, so I described the distance between us, about four miles.

I didn’t even realize I had misunderstood until her husband clarified later in the conversation.

Talking about conveyance of noodley things in an engineering context, I said “as I always tell my wife, you can’t push a rope”. Whoops, now everyone thinks my junk doesn’t work.

I do say that to her but it is in the context of her stealing the covers.