My 10 year old has ADHD, and threads like this have helped my understanding. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
What does my daughter need from me, her Dad? She has an understanding pediatrician and a good therapist. My wife and I have given her freedom to choose how she organizes her day within reason. She has never done poorly in school and has impressive interest in art and science. We’ve been fortunate to have flexible school teachers most years. The kid has developed coping skills of her own, but I can still tell that brushing her teeth or getting in the shower or getting started on her homework are monumental struggles every. single. time. I don’t doubt that she will be fine in the long term, but I would love any advice on how to help day to day life to be a little less exhausting for her while still helping her learn how to function independently.
What are things people have said or done for you that helped you feel seen and loved?
It’s very different for everybody, but here are things that would apply to SOME:
She might reject “must do now” orders. Instead of saying “Start your homework now and do it until it is finished”, change both the start and duration to something manageable. “Hey, you are home! Just relax for 20 minutes, and 5 minutes before dinner starts, get everything for your homework ready on your desk.” Starting the actual homework is far less overwhelming, then. And instead of “… until it’s done”, make a deal like: “You only have to do 12 minutes of the task, but with a challenge: 12 minutes of maximum efficiency and performance!”. When it is about cleaning the room, also provide a clear unit of work, such as a time constraint (with stopwatch, never wing it!), or toys only, dirty laundry only, a well-defined section only.
She might already be the willpower equivalent of a body builder, because she has to do with force of will what other people have done for them, be it the frontal lobe breaking down a task, or handing out dopamine rewards that she does not get. When she starts a task such as homework, she has to face the whole tree of little steps and what could go wrong: Find the backpack, alternative plan for when the math book is not in it, the notebook has half a page left, so she will have to stop in the middle to find the new one (where is it?), …
When she is on a productive obsession, such as reading, an instrument, an area of knowledge, let it run its course undisturbed. There might be phases in which everything feels like too much, so these phases are invaluable. Much of her skillset might come from intense obsessions rather than continuous habits.
Focus on finding a starting point to an overwhelming task, such as point 1: Get the homework ready and in place, then do something else. It might trigger a thing where she WANTS to start immediately, and otherwise, the start will be so much easier.
Allow her to skip homework when it is too much and write a note for the teacher. E. g. got back home sick, doctor visit on the afternoon, exhausted and unable to finish homework, but did a start. When necessary.
Kids with ADHD often have days and weeks and months and years in which almost every interaction with a parent or teacher is mostly negative. It doesn’t take long for this conditioning to make kids feel bad about themselves–e.g., see themselves as stupid and lazy–and feel bad about the parents and teachers. They often become secretive or otherwise avoid the people they’ve had thousands of bad experiences with.
If there’s any way to shift that balance, it will be powerful for your daughter and for your relationship with her later. Sometimes this means just letting go of certain things. Sometimes it means letting her get away with stuff. If she has siblings, it probably means looking like you’re treating your kids unfairly. Sometimes it might mean reaching out with love and kindness when there seems to be no chance that will be received well. You can potentially be one of the best things in her life, but the path of least resistance–and the path that “normal” parenting leads to–is a world where you are an agent of unpleasantness or punishment for her more often than of happiness and comfort.
As she grows up she will learn lots of things adults need to know; some quickly, some very slowly. She’ll need help at a lot of points, and if you can be a person she asks for help, her life will be better. When she’s 20 or 30 she’ll be independent and living a life, no matter what your parenting style was. At that point, the relationship she has with you depends a lot on her accumulated memory and gut-level conditioning from years of being around you.
I’m choking up as I write this because I have a daughter and I know I’m not a perfect dad. I want very much to have a good relationship with her as she grows up, and I know I don’t always make that easy. It’s a huge challenge. I say this because what I wrote sounds really preachy; I’m preaching to myself as much as to anyone else.
The hardest years are still ahead of you. I have ADHD and was undiagnosed until junior year of high school. I was doing amazing in school until things started getting hard enough that I couldn’t just rely on my current knowledge and had to actually study. Make sure she develops strong study/organizational habits now before she gets into high school, because that’s when things can really start to fall apart. It sounds like you are already doing a great job, and more than my parents did at that age, so you might have far less of an issue.
Helping her develop coping skills. These cannot come from you, but from her. You just help maintain and adjust home life to them. They can look like…problem: never being able to find what she is looking for. Solution: things get one place they are allowed to go and that is where it lives (eg: shoes by the door, pencil/pen in a drawer or bucket, keys on a keyring by the door, tools in a toolbox). Hell, I’ve found my keys in the fridge before. I can’t tell you how much it drives me nuts not being able to find my tools and then my kids used them and left them in their rooms.
Sometimes these coping mechanisms are socially-based. Sitting down at the same time in a designated spot everyday to do homework with someone else until it’s done (enough for the day). That used to be me for my kids, now it’s a friend who is also ADHD whom they worked out a method that works for both of them. Some of the things seem silly, but matter greatly, like the environment that something is done in being very important in helping guide that focus. Again, let her guide that, because it varies by person. She may want something on in the background like music or a show. Let that happen, but it shouldn’t be a visual distraction or need any sort of constant maintenance to continue (eg: a playlist, not being able to see the screen, but can hear a familiar show playing, not one that she hasn’t seen before). Ask her and let her guide it, but help ensure that the visual stimulus or the need to keep queuing up a new song isn’t there.
Elementary and maybe even middle school tends to be easier for ADHD kids, then they hit a wall in middle/high school when the class structure changes. Meet with the school counselor and (US specific) set up a 504 plan asap (accomodations outside school policy). This can be the ability to take breaks, listen to music in class, being able to take a test in a different environment (such as without other kids in a library or office), have more time for test-taking. This is something she will also need to decide.
You may be hesitant about stimulants and other ADHD meds, but for many ADHD people, they are life-changing. It feels like getting your life back after it was taken away, so they are worth exploring. They aren’t all limited to stimulants and can be safer for younger children such as guanfacine/intuniv. Even with stimulants such as methylphenidate derivatives, these meds can help regulate many things other than just “attention”. They can help with maintaining sleep schedules and often are found to be more effective at regulating mood than typical depression meds like SSRIs.
The struggles to fit into a world not built for ADHD people can be a major contributor to depression. It makes me think of myself and others as addicts searching for their next fix of dopamine at times. If you don’t help regulate this, she WILL develop other methods to do this: alternative stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine or escape methods such as social media, video games, tv, fiction stories. When she hits middle school, you’ve lost the battle and she will have access to these things through other kids. It’s part of why you see some ADHD people turn to cigarettes/vapes or drinking caffeine from the beginning of the day until they go to bed. These low levels of stimulants help them regulate everything going on in their head and function in a world not built to accommodate them. When we can’t do that, many of us turn to methods to escape reality or get small rewards-based dopamine fixes. You will not be able to eliminate all of these alternatives that can become pitfalls and unhealthy, but you can help her get meds that fill the same need so those other things don’t become actual problems and can be consumed in a healthy way.
There is little you can probably say to help her besides just listening to her, maybe show her this post to start? There is a lot you can do to hurt her and her image of herself that will seem innocuous to you or might be said in frustration. I suggest reading through what others have said about what they are told. The most recent thing for me was having a boss say he believed ADHD was over diagnosed and overhyped these days when I was trying to let him know I was ADHD and how he could use that to the benefit of both of us. This was coming from someone with a child on the autism spectrum, so not something I expected. My mother unintentionally hurt me by trying to encourage me when I was young, saying that I could do and accomplish anything I wanted. This was kind, but when reality hits and I struggle to do seemingly simple things or live up to her great expectations that were not real and only built up in my mind through my youth, it leaves me with a deep sense of shame.
The best thing you can do is listen to her and let her know you accept her for who she is and what she chooses to do with her life and that you will love her regardless of anything she does or does not accomplish in life. Let her know that your love is not tied to her worth as society (school, work, movies, fiction) defines it and that those societal expectations are not realistic to human existence. When she comes to you to show-off something she is proud of her work on, let her know you are proud of her for that work too.
My 10 year old has ADHD, and threads like this have helped my understanding. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
What does my daughter need from me, her Dad? She has an understanding pediatrician and a good therapist. My wife and I have given her freedom to choose how she organizes her day within reason. She has never done poorly in school and has impressive interest in art and science. We’ve been fortunate to have flexible school teachers most years. The kid has developed coping skills of her own, but I can still tell that brushing her teeth or getting in the shower or getting started on her homework are monumental struggles every. single. time. I don’t doubt that she will be fine in the long term, but I would love any advice on how to help day to day life to be a little less exhausting for her while still helping her learn how to function independently.
What are things people have said or done for you that helped you feel seen and loved?
It’s very different for everybody, but here are things that would apply to SOME:
Yeah, when my chore ask is, just do 10% of it, then take a break, and it’s really not an argument then.
Thank you. Suggesting to just do the prep for homework is genius.
Kids with ADHD often have days and weeks and months and years in which almost every interaction with a parent or teacher is mostly negative. It doesn’t take long for this conditioning to make kids feel bad about themselves–e.g., see themselves as stupid and lazy–and feel bad about the parents and teachers. They often become secretive or otherwise avoid the people they’ve had thousands of bad experiences with.
If there’s any way to shift that balance, it will be powerful for your daughter and for your relationship with her later. Sometimes this means just letting go of certain things. Sometimes it means letting her get away with stuff. If she has siblings, it probably means looking like you’re treating your kids unfairly. Sometimes it might mean reaching out with love and kindness when there seems to be no chance that will be received well. You can potentially be one of the best things in her life, but the path of least resistance–and the path that “normal” parenting leads to–is a world where you are an agent of unpleasantness or punishment for her more often than of happiness and comfort.
As she grows up she will learn lots of things adults need to know; some quickly, some very slowly. She’ll need help at a lot of points, and if you can be a person she asks for help, her life will be better. When she’s 20 or 30 she’ll be independent and living a life, no matter what your parenting style was. At that point, the relationship she has with you depends a lot on her accumulated memory and gut-level conditioning from years of being around you.
I’m choking up as I write this because I have a daughter and I know I’m not a perfect dad. I want very much to have a good relationship with her as she grows up, and I know I don’t always make that easy. It’s a huge challenge. I say this because what I wrote sounds really preachy; I’m preaching to myself as much as to anyone else.
The hardest years are still ahead of you. I have ADHD and was undiagnosed until junior year of high school. I was doing amazing in school until things started getting hard enough that I couldn’t just rely on my current knowledge and had to actually study. Make sure she develops strong study/organizational habits now before she gets into high school, because that’s when things can really start to fall apart. It sounds like you are already doing a great job, and more than my parents did at that age, so you might have far less of an issue.
Helping her develop coping skills. These cannot come from you, but from her. You just help maintain and adjust home life to them. They can look like…problem: never being able to find what she is looking for. Solution: things get one place they are allowed to go and that is where it lives (eg: shoes by the door, pencil/pen in a drawer or bucket, keys on a keyring by the door, tools in a toolbox). Hell, I’ve found my keys in the fridge before. I can’t tell you how much it drives me nuts not being able to find my tools and then my kids used them and left them in their rooms.
Sometimes these coping mechanisms are socially-based. Sitting down at the same time in a designated spot everyday to do homework with someone else until it’s done (enough for the day). That used to be me for my kids, now it’s a friend who is also ADHD whom they worked out a method that works for both of them. Some of the things seem silly, but matter greatly, like the environment that something is done in being very important in helping guide that focus. Again, let her guide that, because it varies by person. She may want something on in the background like music or a show. Let that happen, but it shouldn’t be a visual distraction or need any sort of constant maintenance to continue (eg: a playlist, not being able to see the screen, but can hear a familiar show playing, not one that she hasn’t seen before). Ask her and let her guide it, but help ensure that the visual stimulus or the need to keep queuing up a new song isn’t there.
Elementary and maybe even middle school tends to be easier for ADHD kids, then they hit a wall in middle/high school when the class structure changes. Meet with the school counselor and (US specific) set up a 504 plan asap (accomodations outside school policy). This can be the ability to take breaks, listen to music in class, being able to take a test in a different environment (such as without other kids in a library or office), have more time for test-taking. This is something she will also need to decide.
You may be hesitant about stimulants and other ADHD meds, but for many ADHD people, they are life-changing. It feels like getting your life back after it was taken away, so they are worth exploring. They aren’t all limited to stimulants and can be safer for younger children such as guanfacine/intuniv. Even with stimulants such as methylphenidate derivatives, these meds can help regulate many things other than just “attention”. They can help with maintaining sleep schedules and often are found to be more effective at regulating mood than typical depression meds like SSRIs.
The struggles to fit into a world not built for ADHD people can be a major contributor to depression. It makes me think of myself and others as addicts searching for their next fix of dopamine at times. If you don’t help regulate this, she WILL develop other methods to do this: alternative stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine or escape methods such as social media, video games, tv, fiction stories. When she hits middle school, you’ve lost the battle and she will have access to these things through other kids. It’s part of why you see some ADHD people turn to cigarettes/vapes or drinking caffeine from the beginning of the day until they go to bed. These low levels of stimulants help them regulate everything going on in their head and function in a world not built to accommodate them. When we can’t do that, many of us turn to methods to escape reality or get small rewards-based dopamine fixes. You will not be able to eliminate all of these alternatives that can become pitfalls and unhealthy, but you can help her get meds that fill the same need so those other things don’t become actual problems and can be consumed in a healthy way.
There is little you can probably say to help her besides just listening to her, maybe show her this post to start? There is a lot you can do to hurt her and her image of herself that will seem innocuous to you or might be said in frustration. I suggest reading through what others have said about what they are told. The most recent thing for me was having a boss say he believed ADHD was over diagnosed and overhyped these days when I was trying to let him know I was ADHD and how he could use that to the benefit of both of us. This was coming from someone with a child on the autism spectrum, so not something I expected. My mother unintentionally hurt me by trying to encourage me when I was young, saying that I could do and accomplish anything I wanted. This was kind, but when reality hits and I struggle to do seemingly simple things or live up to her great expectations that were not real and only built up in my mind through my youth, it leaves me with a deep sense of shame.
The best thing you can do is listen to her and let her know you accept her for who she is and what she chooses to do with her life and that you will love her regardless of anything she does or does not accomplish in life. Let her know that your love is not tied to her worth as society (school, work, movies, fiction) defines it and that those societal expectations are not realistic to human existence. When she comes to you to show-off something she is proud of her work on, let her know you are proud of her for that work too.