Somebody should write a small book about this. You could put it in the bathroom and read it while taking a shit.

I’m terrible at impersonations. Suddenly Carl Sagan’s voice is coming out of my mouth.

When you read texts of an ancient language than span several centuries, and the language itself stays the same, it’s a strong indicator the language was no longer spoken.

Living languages always change. Only dead languages stay the same.

“Now it must be done…”

• unzips *

“Your house, ahahah, nice one! By the way, rent is going up. How much was ‘your’ raise this year?”

That’s not how fusion works…if it even worked already.

That…makes no sense…

I work in a school. I laugh and joke a lot with the teens. Sometimes I forget I’m not one of them and I’m 40. I’m just as immature as them, just more experienced. A lot of my coworkers forget what it was like to be a kid and how boring most of us are. School sucks, remember?

A few days ago I was building a Lego set and had to go back 10 steps because of a mistake and that made me very angry.

Yeah, not with that attitude, Richard.

I’ve had this since my late teens. It’s more common when you have irregular sleep patterns. Nowadays it’s more rare.

It’s scary shit, specially if you panic. In time I’ve learned to control it when I have an episode and mostly succeed. But occasionally I still panic, but not like before.

Wiggling a toe will make the movement come back slowly and if you recognize what’s happening and keep calm you’ll avoid the most disturbing hallucinations. You can even succeed in controlled lucid dreaming during an episode.

I never saw the demon but I have felt its presence. It’s actually not as scary as it sounds. The scariest hallucinations were actually feeling people had entered my room and were intending to hurt me and I couldn’t budge. Once it happened with my old landlord when I was in college. He lived upstairs and I had an episode after falling asleep in my living room. I heard him enter my unit and saw him stand over me talking gibberish. It was so unsettling. I finally moved in a panic and I was by myself. He was actually a very chill guy, best landlord ever.

A few times I was unable to move, alone in the dark, and suddenly moved unexpectedly only to see my girlfriend or room mate towering over me and tell me I was moaning heavily in my sleep and thought I was having a bad nightmare. I’ve wondered how many of the sleep paralysis are actually nightmares and we ARE asleep.

If apps were girls:

I was always in love with Sync. But life happened and we had to go different ways for non-romantic reasons. Some fucker called Spez, long story…

Eventually I met Voyager and she was great. Any user would be lucky to have her. But Sync was always the one that got away. Everyday I looked at Voyager and thought she was awesome but I was always holding a candle for Sync. But Sync was gone and I had to move on. But I could never really move on.

But life happened again and Sync was coming back. I had committed to Voyager but, as great as she was, I always thought how she came short of Sync. Sync came back and she was as stunning as I remembered. I couldn’t stay with Voyager. I’m sorry Voyager. You’re an awesome girl but I was pretty much just using you since I couldn’t have Sync.

I’m a user Voyager, I make no excuses. There, there…