We condemn in the strongest terms recent self defense by Iran, which has had the side effect of blocking sources of oil we were riding high on. We spent decades refusing to shift to renewables and insisting on destroying the environment, and Iran is trying to use this against us by defending itself against brutal mass murder from the empire.

We express our deep concern about the escalating threat to our sources of oil. We call on Iran to cease immediately its threats, laying of mines, drone and missile attacks and other attempts to block the Strait to commercial shipping, and to comply with UN (that thing we never care about unless it benefits us) Security Council Resolution 2817 (you know the one, the one that says we win or whatever, it’s one of those, right?).

Freedom of navigation is a fundamental principle of international law, including under the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea. For some reason, this doesn’t apply to the piracy done by the US recently. We’re still working that one out. Maybe it’s because we’re under their thumb, I dunno, thinking is hard!

The effects of Iran’s actions will be felt by people in all parts of the world, especially the most capitalist. It’s devastating to the unipolar international world order. The vulnerable will feel it too, but let’s be real, if we cared about them, we wouldn’t start these kind of wars.

Consistent with UNSC Resolution 2817 (have you looked it up yet? somebody on our team has probably, it’s not my job), we emphasise that such interference with oil supplies that disproportionately impact our grifting excuses for nations constitute a threat to imperial hegemony. In this regard, we call for an immediate comprehensive moratorium on attacks on oil and gas installations. As for the schools and hospitals, we’re sure they’re fine.

We express our readiness to contribute to appropriate efforts to ensure safe passage through the Strait. We welcome the commitment of nations who are engaging in preparatory planning. Not sure yet what kind of efforts. Military? Economic? Could we sanction Russia again? Would that help?

We welcome the International Energy Agency decision to authorise a coordinated release of strategic petroleum reserves. We will take other steps to stabilise energy markets, including working with certain producing nations to increase output. Not sure what else we can do. Lasting peace and respect for sovereignty is obviously off the table, as is any kind of reduction in attempted imperial domination. So, could we mine the moon for oil? Is that feasible?

We will also work to provide support for the most affected nations, including through the United Nations and the IFIs, i.e. we’ll try to make sure this doesn’t disrupt capitalist power too much.

Maritime security and freedom of navigation benefit all countries (except Venezuela? still working on that one). We call on all states to respect international law and uphold the fundamental principles of international prosperity and security, so long as those concepts of international law specifically benefit western capital and no one else.