When I was 13, we went on vacation to sprinkle my mom’s ashes. The radio in our rental car didn’t work, and we were driving from the Muir Woods to Big Sur and San Francisco during the week, so there was a lot of time in the car. The only cds we had were a Beatles greatest hits album, which got old pretty quickly, and Dennis learys no cure for cancer (my mother died of cancer), which we listened to several times. Luckily, we all thought the situation was pretty funny, though it is the worst vacation I’ve ever had.
The thing people don’t understand about depression and money is that, if you throw firewood in a fireplace but there is no fire burning, or even a little spark do ignite it, the wood will just keep being wood. Money is like wood in a fireplace with no fire. You can have bilions and do everything you want but depression won’t ever let the “fire burn”. Depression suffering is very real.
That’s exactly why I quit caring to try. I achieved a few dreams and felt…nothing. No sense of pride or accomplishment after burning my life away with no time or energy to make friends for years at a time or enjoy the few things I can still enjoy.
I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.
I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.
Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.
https://mega.nz/file/c0lkyZiT#MrSCD8ZCK_W5QmU5hekJrhhP-J3tGKUHvpAR748MQ10
There, now I’ve shared one.
Duuude that song was great! The ending reminded me a lot of Elliott Smith. Loved it and am adding it to my library. Thank you for sharing! :)
Thank you for listening to it, and definitely thank you for adding it to your library.
That’s actually how I heard of Elliott Smith. I put a couple songs on mp3.com when I was a teenager and several people compared me to him. I listened and I’ve been hooked since. It’s funny, because after I listened to him his influence poured into everything I did after.
Seriously thank you for listening. For fun, here’s one of my favorites that I ever did. Hope you like it too. I was probably 22 when I did this one.
https://mega.nz/file/E00nzD7C#DGOB4O51EalvIREhqAepIe98jvrVIeagR8jcPbmNGgk
And now I’ve shared two. :)
I was married to a milionair for 4 years. His family was INSANE. Movie style milionairs. I had anithing and everything I wanted, best clothes, personal trainner, home gym, personal chef, a driver and would travel the world, but I almost killed myself twice. There is only so much shoping you can do before it stops being at all fun.
I left him (and his fucked up family)and got myself a psychiatrist that put me on great meds. I got nothing from him, I didn’t wan’t to have to deal with them at all. I’m now indeed fat, poor, have to.work to pay bills, old and single but I have never been so happy.
Are emo bands still a thing? That seems so two-decades-ago.
What are the kids into now?
These days, everything is kind of a thing. You can find people cosplaying 1920’s jazz bands.
I’d count The Used as emo, and they’re still awesome.
Emo nights are a thing around the US, not sure about the crowd age.
YouTube emos not dead. - https://m.youtube.com/@EmosNotDead/featured
Yeah careful with this one chief, they aren’t sad because their parents can afford to force them into a road trip.
tell me how can I feel pain
how can I feel pain
when you’re being so supportive
- Bill Bailey
